Five minutes of freedom

You are right. I am dark. Dark in thought and dark in speech. There are reasons for this. Depression. Introspection. Lack of social awareness. Cynical and pessimistic attitude. More likely the issue is bi-polar disorder. Mood swings. Not sure I have it, but something is there. Also, alcohol is a problem. Can't stay away from it and really want nothing to do with it. Want help, but you try finding groups that don't have a path that leads to God. It's tough. So internalize away. Prepare yourself of a lifetime of this, but know that there will be good times along the way.

It just sits there below the surface. Doubt. It manifests itself in slow speech pattern. Shyness. Inability to hold small conversations. Troubling.

Baby learns all about herself as she walks away from her lead. Science should be the only thing we look to. Not a higher calling. Scientific proof of actuality. Scientific proof first hand that can be replicated and not exist as one-offs.

Five Minutes of Freedom

You must think that there is only a world of darkness that exists. that only pain seeps through, but that is not the case. I don't plan for either emotion and refuse to fight the ones that do show. I'm happy when things are happy and down when choices bring me there. There is no magic wand that gets waved to make it go away and there isn't anything you can pray for or say or do to change that. It just has to happen. For reasons I will never know and never find out. Until later just by happenstance that the reasons become clarified.

The other day I'm walking to the library as usual and I see a woman with a child in a carriage. She's drinking coffee, talking on her cell phone and pushing the pram up the sidewalk. Idyll times from a afar, but not envious for me. I reflect back to my times with those and even then my work overshadowed my enjoyment of them. But no longer. Going forward, the money is less important, the job is secondary to the life I want to enjoy with my kids. I want to get back to being a parent instead of just a sideline viewer. And that's what they need as well. They need someone to make decisions and that I can and will do.

So take the words that don't come fast and churn them in your

Five minutes of freedom

Today feels like the best day I have felt in months, but something is still uneasy. I got the job, so he said, but no confirmation date on the start date and he said he would get back to me on that date. Agreed on the price, but not the starting date. So, I have to either wait and see or give him a call. Best thing to do is to get out of the house right now and come back later.

Stacy. Stacy should not but she goes out every night to the street against her better judgment. She can't stay away from the stars in the sky. She just has to see what's up there and wonder why the man who loved her left her to go on a trip for three years. Why would he choose to live with four other men when he could be having her beautiful conversation and tending to her needs? Her MS is not getting any better and he has to know that the nurse wouldn't be female as he requested, but male so that she could have a sounding board and then a dance partner for the country and western line dancing association's 5th annual mockumentary presentation. Stacy.

Five minutes of freedom

7 June 2010

I stepped outside my jail cell yesterday morning expecting to die. At some point, I hoped, they would come for me when I'm not ready. But they didn't. And today I step outside my jail cell expecting to live. To have hope. To accept my fate of ennui.

The good thing about being imprisoned, and yes there are many, is that I get to work outside during the day, not have to worry about looking for a job and know that it's not likely I'll get fired. They feed me. Give me a place to live.

Kristin, you have to come with me
Why?
Because he's going to be there and I can't meet him alone
Yes you can.
Well, I can, but I don't want to. I need someone there
You didn't need anybody when you were talking to him
That was different.
Different how?
Well, it was impersonal. We were just writing back and forth. He couldn't see me. I couldn't see him. Different that way
Not different to me. Either see him or not, but don't take me to the gun. You go see the gun yourself.

The tears they just don't seem to stop falling. I think about happiness, but it doesn't exist. I think about lifetime and it hasn't happened yet. I think about the past and the tears keep falling. The corn in the fields. The hay mounds. The beans in the field. Picking the weeds. Playing in the barnlot. Waiting to get older and then the tears come again because I wasn't ready for them.

I can't stay with them or remember what they look like to this day, but my eyes still flesh with tears at the thoughts of the memories I left behind.

I'm crying and I can't fucking stop it. The tears just keep on flowing as I think about my daughter. And my beautiful son who keeps on bringing me joy throughout my life.

I'm crying. I'm crying all the time. The tears flow for the father I never will ever know. The father I never had the sense to understand. Fuck him. The sense he never had to understand me.

jade and then.

When I die, I die. When you know I die, you don't even think about crying.

today I shot my soul.
3 bottles of schlitz and a wasabi roll.

Closer. Just saying the words used to raise the heartbeat. Now they only slightly get me out of the chair. I'll believe it when I hear it. End of the week or next. Not tempting fate or karma. Matter of fact. We'll see tomorrow.

And on

Every day I can't stay away. I think I might have it, but then it goes away.

The constant movement of the emotions leaves you exhausted and destroyed. You want to leave and enjoy life, but there is no life left to enjoy. You must suffer in silence to gain the upper hand. At what point would you consider moving on? You have until mid month and then it's over. Your time is up and you must prepare.

Mark Levin died today

Most people harbor a vitriol and passion toward talk-radio hosts. Polarized and self-absorbed thoughts and conversations that exist only in their heads. Not realizing the characters they listen to on the radio are just that - characters. Invented personalities under the guise of being true with the audience in a media driven attempt to connect with the listeners. For whatever reason, the hosts feel that they have some sort of integrity they need to protect by professing that what they actually say on the radio needs to be true. Why? There is no oath administered at the start of the show. No subpoena. They rely on the naiveté of the audience to make that giant leap.

Mark Levin died today.

Every host out there lies to you in some fashion. It's called the radio business. Not a courtroom. So how can a blog be singled out for libel by a radio broadcaster when libelous statements are de rigueur for their acts?

Mark Levin died today is a subject we should approach each and every day. Not because of anything planned. Far from that. I would never condone direct actions toward the death of another human soul. But one can just imagine how much joy the headlines will bring when he does die. The unemployed masses will have smiles from ear to ear for at least one day. And maybe, just maybe it might be the start of something bigger and better in their lives. This one shining moment that they can reach back to and smile at each and every day when the depths of despair have risen to haunt their weary minds.

So, we'll roll this out and see out how it goes.

Today, Mark Levin was killed as he left the office when a safe (full of hush fund documents from the catholic church to an unnamed source) fell on top of him.

Down, Down, Down

There is nothing lower. There is no place left to go. You fight, but what battle is it? And who is leading it? People say there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It will get better. Right now, it's pitch dark in the bottom of a cave. The concept of light doesn't exist.

State of Disturbia

The most ignorant quote of the year: Rick Pitino defending himself against critics about him, a married catholic with children, having sex with a woman (not his wife) on a table in a restaurant.

"Enough's enough, everybody is tired of it," Pitino said. "We need to get on with the important things in life like the economy and really some crucial things in life like basketball."

Women to lust

Morgan Fairchild/Patsy Ann McClenny
Andie MacDowell/Rosalie Anderson MacDowell
Mimi Rogers\Miriam Spickler
Nicole Ari Parker Kodjoe
Cree Summer
Nia Long/Nitara Long
Mercedes Ruehl
Loni Anderson
The women of the Brown line

How much to pay

The conflict rages inside my head. How do I approach becoming involved in a quest for spirituality with the notion that I have to pay money to be a part of that quest? If I want to become a part of an organized religion/church/sect/cult, I would be required to make a weekly monetary contribution. If I want specific classes or retreats, those cost money. Where can I go and meet people in search of the same quest and at the same time not be required to make a monetary sacrifice to attain this quest? Is there such a place or organization? And also, how do you handle the unwritten guilt that comes with the fact that they might say 'No money is required to be given' when in fact, the exact opposite is true. You cannot be a permanent part without making a monetary contribution.

My ultimate problem with this quid pro quo is that it amounts to prostitution. And while I am not opposed to the idea of prostitution, I don't want my quest for higher powers or sense of the unknown weighed down with heavy hand of money standing in the middle.
It is a struggle that is not easily solved. Do you sacrifice your sense of what's right and wrong for some potential enlightenment that may or may never happen? Am I paying money for something no different than a ouija board?

And the actual amount of the contribution literally has nothing to do with it. Be it one thousand dollars or be it a single penny, once the transaction takes place, no longer is everyone on the same path in the quest. Now you are the paying customer, the leader holds sway for the period of time that your money allows. What then does it become? Therapy? Back to prostitution? Mind control? Options then turn to internal personal quest outside of a group. Noble, but not what I'm looking for. That becomes a biased search and you need the interaction and feedback of ideas for other people so you aren't becoming just a self-serving egotist. At this point, there is no way around the conflict. I will not pay a single penny for a quest toward enlightenment/spirtuality/whatever. Maybe the search is toward a group effort. Maybe that is what you are looking for. And the long-term goals are ancillary. We shall see.

State of Disturbia

I can't stay away from the noise. I am attracted like moth to the clamor and din or other people's lives. Injecting myself into their situations as if I know them or care about them or feel for them. Not an uncommon occurence. But a psychological misstep if you take the extra step and believe that your injection is real. You clearly have to separate your prurient interest from morphing into obsessive disorder bordering on psychosis. When your life revolves around what happens in other people's lives on a television show or a radio program or a sporting event, you need to re-evaluate your situation. If you are capable.

State of Disturbia - Are you kidding me?

Is this for real? Don't for a second pretend that this man is serious when Fox News has been an official arm of the Republican party for the entire eight years of the Bush administration and continues to be in the Obama reign. Were a Republican in office and Fox news was delivering this, this would be one of the greatest achievements of the 21st century. Ken McKay you should be ashamed of yourself.

From the Drudgereport.com

ABC TURNS PROGRAMMING OVER TO OBAMA; NEWS TO BE ANCHORED FROM INSIDE WHITE HOUSETue Jun 16 2009 08:45:10 ETOn the night of June 24, the media and government become one, when ABC turns its programming over to President Obama and White House officials to push government run health care -- a move that has ignited an ethical firestorm! Highlights on the agenda: ABCNEWS anchor Charlie Gibson will deliver WORLD NEWS from the Blue Room of the White House. The network plans a primetime special -- 'Prescription for America' -- originating from the East Room, exclude opposing voices on the debate. The Director of Communications at the White House Office of Health Reform is Linda Douglass, who worked as a reporter for ABC News from 1998-2006. Late Monday night, Republican National Committee Chief of Staff Ken McKay fired off a complaint to the head of ABCNEWS: Dear Mr. Westin: As the national debate on health care reform intensifies, I am deeply concerned and disappointed with ABC's astonishing decision to exclude opposing voices on this critical issue on June 24, 2009. Next Wednesday, ABC News will air a primetime health care reform “town hall” at the White House with President Barack Obama. In addition, according to an ABC News report, GOOD MORNING AMERICA, WORLD NEWS, NIGHTLINE and ABC’s web news “will all feature special programming on the president’s health care agenda.” This does not include the promotion, over the next 9 days, the president’s health care agenda will receive on ABC News programming. Today, the Republican National Committee requested an opportunity to add our Party's views to those of the President's to ensure that all sides of the health care reform debate are presented. Our request was rejected. I believe that the President should have the ability to speak directly to the America people. However, I find it outrageous that ABC would prohibit our Party's opposing thoughts and ideas from this national debate, which affects millions of ABC viewers. In the absence of opposition, I am concerned this event will become a glorified infomercial to promote the Democrat agenda. If that is the case, this primetime infomercial should be paid for out of the DNC coffers. President Obama does not hold a monopoly on health care reform ideas or on free airtime. The President has stated time and time again that he wants a bipartisan debate. Therefore, the Republican Party should be included in this primetime event, or the DNC should pay for your airtime. Respectfully,Ken McKayRepublican National CommitteeChief of Staff