Driving

On Thursday last week, I felt physically ill as I drove to work. The wave of nausea started when I turned the dial to ESPN radio.

The entire past week has been a lesson, for me, in parsing out information as it is released by various media outlets and tracking that information across multiple reporting sources. Each outlet appears to have an agenda during the news cycle and it comes across clearly during this crisis. The closer to the subject someone is, the more they want to protect.

On Tuesday night, Joe Paterno spoke outside his home to a gathering of students. He statement was videotaped and recorded. The full statement, courtesy of Deadspin.com, is as follows:

You guys have lived for this place. I've lived for people like you guys and girls. I'm just so happy to see that you feel so strongly about us and about our school. And as I said, I don't know if you heard me or not, is, you know, the kids who were victims or whatever they want to say, I think we all ought to say a prayer for them. It's a tough life when people do certain things to you. But anyway, you've been great. Everything's great, all right.

Deadspin did their own take on this at http://deadspin.com/5857944/whatever-they-want-to-say-how-media-outlets-handled-joe-paternos-weird-quote-last-night, but I found a different piece on Cnnsi.com - where the actual written word, in quotations, was never said. A citation in quotation should be an exact representation of the spoken word. A paraphrase is clearly visible to the user with the notable absence of quotation marks.

Compare the two segments and you can see what appears to be CNN agenda to protect Joe Paterno.

Deadspin: "And as I said, I don't know if you heard me or not, is, you know, the kids who were victims or whatever they want to say, I think we all ought to say a prayer for them.

CNN: "As you know, the kids that were the victims, I think we ought to say a prayer for them," Paterno said Tuesday night

"Or whatever they want to say". Leaving that out of the quote isn't merely editing. That's context obfuscation.

Now ESPN, which should I feel be renamed C-ESPN because there is not an item that comes out of their vast complex which does not appear to be compromised by corporate sponsors or partnerships. There is no worrying about whether boundaries should be crossed because they simply do not exist.

I have listened to the morning show enough times to know that it is a scripted presence with even the arguments rehearsed down to the rebuttals. There is not an ounce of spontaneity from the show. For that reason alone, it is hard to digest.

Today was worse. Bill Callahan, a former college coach, a former NFL coach was on the air. You can find their podcast online, but he was staunchly defending Joe Paterno. Saying he was a man because he owned up to his mistakes post-release of the grand jury testimony and when he said 'In hindsight I wish could have done more'. We should all say a prayer for the kids.' I'm paraphrasing but he said 'That's what man does. A man owns up to his mistakes'

Joe Paterno

Joe Paterno is a man who lied to the public with his faux grief for the kids.

Joe Paterno is a man who has known about the allegations since 1998.

Joe Paterno is a man who testified before a grand jury in 2009 about these circumstances. And still professed shock in 2011.

Joe Paterno could have said 'We should all say a prayer for the kids' in 1998. He didn't.

Joe Paterno could have said 'We should all say a prayer for the kids' in 2002. He didn't.

Joe Paterno could have said 'We should all say a prayer for the kids' in 2007. He didn't.

Joe Paterno could have said We should all say a prayer for the kids' in 2009. He didn't.

Joe Paterno could have said 'We should all say a prayer for the kids' every day in 2011 up to November 3 and he chose not too.

An active decision to not say a prayer for the kids. Only after, in hindsight when grand jury testimony forces his hand, when it means absolutely nothing, does he say 'We should all say a prayer for the kids'

I'm waiting. I'm waiting. I'm waiting for the hosts to call him out on this. You have to. You have to call this guest out, no matter your in-bed partnership with him. You have to stand up to him and say 'Bill I disagree with you. Joe was not man enough. If he was, he would have done something in 1998 and not waited until grand jury testimony was made public.'

But nothing. The bile rises in my throat and I can't listen any more. In the depths of this crisis, the hosts follow the corporate line and remain silent as the guest contains down a path I no longer care about. His voice is just noise now.

At the end of the interview, a final kiss on the lips and a loving hug from the hosts, the we'll always have each other in this corporate bedroom as he gets off the phone.

'Thank you Bill for coming on today. You know we love you'

Later on I hear Todd Christensen, a Penn State Alum on Tuesday before the firing, what do you think should be done about Joe Paterno? Should he be fired? Fired right now?

In paraphrase, 'Ahh, oh. That's a tough one. Really tough one. I don't have an answer for that.' What I think he really meant was "I have to work with this man or those around him in the future. I need that access to Penn State. I can't have this blared all over the internet that I called for him to be fired. What will people think about me?

Yes. Because it's all about you Todd Christensen.

This topic has drained me.

Notes

-Normally I don't get nostalgic or melancholy about small rural Eastern-European cities. But this week I did and in an unexpected way. On the show Bizarre Foods, the host travels to Hungary. Well, I've lived there so the hook is in. Let's see where this goes. He starts in Buda, travels to the Pest side and keeps talking about the bizarre foods upcoming. I'm hoping he heads out of the city for real bizarre foods. But it's like hoping the CEO at your company won't get a 20% raise while layoffs are happening in your division. He could go to Pécs or Táborfalva or Lake Balaton or Kaposvár or speed through Taszár. They had abandoned factories, Trabant's, deep rich awful coffee and drunks keeping the bars open during the day too. He stays, tells a good story but I'm left still hoping he makes it out of the city.

-Sleep paralysis is something I've had all my life. The constricting feeling as you lay in bed of not being able to wake up and not go to sleep and not able to move is awful. Sheer panic sets in as you struggle for either option. Add in the hallucinations that occur leave you screaming at the top of your lungs for someone to help you wake up. In these cases I've heard footsteps coming down the stairs and pass by, seen a little old lady troll at the end of the couch with mole on her chin and knives in her hand cackling at me. Then slowly walk up my chest and get closer to my neck with the knives. I've seen a murderer come into my house go upstairs to my kids bedrooms with a shotgun and I lay there helpless. I hear the back door open as he leaves and finally I can wake up. My only consolation that it didn't happen is that it wasn't my kids weekend with me. They were at their mom's.

In all these times I've known that it is coming and can't do anything about it. Last night was different though. Last night it didn't happen until I woke up. My prior dream was about a long lost girlfriend who I'd just recently run in to. Letting me stay at her place while I was in town but being very overly devoted to her husband. Over conversations with her brothers, a radio report came in that there was a car accident that killed a local football team. The conversation turned to the real accident that happened in Indiana where a family on their way to a funeral was rammed and 7 people were killed - http://www.dailyherald.com/article/20111028/news/710289884/. When I brought up the dream accident, everyone looked away and wouldn't talk to me or look me in the eye. Later I inferred they were looking away because I was in the accident. That's where the dream ended. As I wake up, the hallucination happened as an invisible set of feet of a 1 year old baby stood on my hip, ran down my leg and off into the ether.

Notes

-Picked up the new book by Chuck Palahniuk, found Phil Hendrie podcasts, new album by Tom Waits hits this week.

-On the drive to work, I plug in to the Phil Hendrie show on Podcast and it makes the commute painless. Over the weekend, I sat and listened to part of the show with my son and I had to fight to hold back the truth about the show. Let him figure it out on his own.

-On the way home, the homeless guy underneath the underpass at Damen and Webster approaches my car at the stop sign. Doesn't say anything. Just stands there like he's guarding the sign with his cart full of cans. I ease forward and in the rear view mirror he's no longer by the sign. He's made his way over the concrete barrier and has made his bed.

-On the way to the haunted house with my kids and their friends,stop at McDonald's drive thru. Actually break down and go through the drive thru no matter how much I hate it. A guy in a Packers jersey and baseball cap backwards approaches my car while I'm paying. 'Can you help me out? My wife is over there on the corner and our car just broke down. We need someone to help me fix a flat.' Normally I don't stop. Too many propositions at the L or Blockbuster when they existed. Guilt? No. I don't feel it. Just confidence that I'm doing the right thing. I mean, if your car breaks down and you are with your family, is your first thought to hit up the people waiting in line at the fast food restaurant? At the corner I see one woman waiting for...the bus.

Esquire

Recently Esquire magazine posted a short story competition. Very short. Every story submitted must be exactly 78 words. The issue for me wasn't finding a story that short it was deciding which one to submit. These two didn't make the cut:

1) It's about the next time. Trudging past the cars tonight. Daylight heading past accountability. I move slow and with no purpose. End result brings no joy. No faith. New faces appear on the side of the road looking for the next meal. Every hand out wishes it was someplace else and every eye averted wish too. I feel nothing as I pass. No sorrow. No pity. Only angst, exhaustion and ambivalence. Next time I will stop seeing them.
2)
Ground level shot on an empty pill bottle. Tight close-up of the writing on the bottle reads 1000 mg, 24 capsules, 2 refills. Slow zoom out and four other bottles come in to view. Mid-level shot of all bottles and they lead to a bedroom door. Light appears in the vacant space below. Scuffling can be heard. Somebody is falling. A crash happens, a lamp breaks, a light bulb explodes and the light under the door goes out.

Best of...

Live music in Chicago - The Hideout. Catch Robbie Fulks every Monday night.

Best live theatre - Neo Futurarium at Foster and Ashland in Chicago. Catch the main show Too Much Light Makes the Baby Go Blind or any show for that matter. Buy their t-shirts and hope you go on a night when they order out for free pizza for the entire audience.

Best military deployment - Tie between basic training at Fort Jackson, South Carolina and Operation Joint Endeavor in Taszar/Kaposvar, Hungary.

Best rock concert and also the best weekend spent on $50 - 1995. Rolling Stones at Strahov Stadium, Prague, Czech Republic. All food, all drinks, all transportation from Germany and back. Plus the two beautiful women who showed me around Prague. And no they weren't hookers.

Best Burger - You can't get it anymore but for a time it was and remains #1. To get it you had to make the trek up the 250+ steps to the top of Mount Baldhead in Saugatuck, Michigan, down the sand dune, up the sand dune and out to Lake Michigan. Spend 4 hours in the sun and surf and the ripping waves. Fall asleep on the beach and then get hungry. Head up the wooden steps and up the to the concession stand. With the sun beating down on your back, the taste of sand, sweat and suntan lotion in your mouth, order the cheeseburger. One for you and one for someone else. Either your kid or just grab somebody else to share because you can't really enjoy it without sharing just how good it tastes. Kuma's Corner on Belmont in Chicago is on the verge but hasn't made it yet.

Best proliferation of a food chain that is actually comforting - Einstein Brother's Bagels now serving at the Southport, Belmont and Diversey L stops.

Best writing assignment - You might think getting to cover the Bill Clinton arrival at Taszar, Hungary along with sharing a flatbed with Dan Rather or covering the Bill Clinton arrival at the Boy Scout Jamboree at Fort A.P.Hill, Virginia. But in actuality it was opportunity to write a regular column for the long ago military newspaper American Endeavor. The freedom to have creativity in a command situation was unbelievable. I thank my Staff Sergeant and Captain for giving me the opportunity.

Einbahnstraße

On the way to the next stop I found a place to grow.
In my heart. In my mind and my place in the world.
Secure in that, I took the next step.

Einbahnstraße

Diner's last night music

Days pass and though it remains closed we still visit
The first one at 5, quick pass
24 with a cold beer at 2, eggs over-easy
38 buying milkshakes for three and crayons
59 is where you go after the funeral. Food you can't really taste, don't want to eat and give up after two bites. Just coffee.
75 every morning. Just coffee. Black with your cigarettes.
Tuesday nights were a Jazz trio and Thursday's and Jazz quartet. Then a fourth nite was added for Blue grass/Western music. Now it's a single guitar player on Monday nights, karoke on Friday's and heavy metal on Sunday's.
Barto mopped the floor after the door was closed and put up the notice. He rolled out the jukebox from the closet, sat down and listened. Door locked. Power out. Come Monday they won't remember the last song playing "Spare Parts II and Closing" by Waits and Weiss

Einbahnstraße

Everything must go

At sunrise there is a pause

At sunset there is a pause

In between there is nothing. There is nothing you can do.

Einbahnstraße

Fairly

Or at all. She bent down to meet my face and ignited feelings of condescension. We touched without opening our eyes and heard the shift toward not to.

As the country meanders toward...Really? Is this how it is going to be for the next year and a half? Meandering towards a goal nobody really seems to want without an outcome that almost seems fait accompli? Three years ago this country was in the throes. It has actually been more than three years. Declaration of intents started in December 2006. Change was wanted and warranted. But in reality it is not a drop kick.

--6 months from now we are sitting at a table flush with food. Drinks are served, awkward conversations with people you see once a year and less if you can avoid it.

--1 year from now and the parties have chosen. 2 candidates are ready to make their mark

--2 years from now

--5 years from now

--10 years from now. Rules enacted to great fanfare are turned aside on page 7 of the paper as they are repealed.

Trio

1 -
That's not it. That's not how it goes.

Who said there was a rul..

I did. I fucking did. I make the rules in my life and you follow them or you get the hell out of my way.

Don't you think you need to calm down just a little? Don't you think you are overreacting?
No. Not one bit. Do you know what it feels like to be addicted? Do you? Do you know what it feels like to be addicted and not be able to do anything about it but continue to feed the addiction day after day after a long night? My life is a damn mess. I move from one addiction to a recovery and into another addiction to beat the next one. Booze to come down from cocaine. Sex to come down from heroin. Exercise to come down from theft. Marriage to come down from the hookups and back to affairs to end the monotony of monogamy.

I can't deal with this.
Who said you had to?

I've been with your for over 5 years now and supported you and stood by you, but not any more.

What made you stay so long? Pleasant conversation? My good looks? I haven't loved for a long time and you shouldn't need me to say it to your face to know that. When you walk in the door night after night and I walk right by you into the garage till the next morning and you don't do a goddamn thing? What kind of person are you to take that? Just go. Go back to your job. Go back to raising your kids and leave me alone.

2 -
Ah, yes.
Can I help you?
Yes. I'm here to join the church.
What church are you coming from?
Coming from? None. No. No. You misunderstand me. I heard about your church and how you can have multiple wives and stuff, so I want you to hook me up with a couple.
I'm sorry, but you are in the wrong place. We are not that type of organization and that practice is...
Look. I know that's what you say to the press and to the police, but I've seen the compounds. I've seen the tv shows. I know it goes on and I just want a couple wives. Not together you know. One in New York and one in California. Because I go back a forth a lot. That's how it works right? You can get me a wife in both places and cover it up from the cops so they won't charge me with any crimes.
Sir. You're going to have to leave. You really have the wrong information. Whatever you have heard or read or seen has been a lie.
Tweerp.
Excuse me?
Tweerp. Basket. Five
Sir?
Tweerp. Basket. Five. Thousand.
Ok then. We are in business. If you'll just go around the corner and through that door. Doris will be able to show you around and let you meet some of the congregation. Bless you son and welcome.

3 -
It's about time. Trudging past the cars tonight. Daylight heading past accountability. I move slow and with no purpose. End result brings no joy. Brings no faith. New faces appear on the side of the road looking for the next meal. Every hand out wishes it was someplace else and every eyes averted wish they were too. I feel nothing as I pass. No sorrow. No pity. The worst kind of feeling - ambivalence.

It just is

A family I know is going through some times. Multiple cancers in the family history and now a terminal one in the present. Divorce of a child who by all means cannot take care of himself. But this family comes from a strong religious background steeped in prayer and by all views from afar, a chaste life. A moral life.

You say to no one in particular. 'They are such a religious and pious family. How can this happen to them? Weren't their prayers answered?' The thing is, just because you pray and believe in a religious figure, it doesn't give you immunity from life. Bad situations are going to happen to everyone. Had this family had no religious background, you might be saying 'See it serves them right. If they had been in church praying this whole time instead of out...well you know. It wouldn't have happened' Just exactly how do you know that? If I take two people and line them up against the wall. Fire bullets dead center into both. One on the left is the Pope. One on the right is a homeless man holding a bottle of Jack Daniels, a pack of cigarettes and pulling his grocery cart of life. Both men are going to die. The bullets will not be deflected by the Pope's prayers. Nor will homeless man's obliviousness to the situation.

That is what I struggle with on a daily basis and realize just how lucky I am not to have to need to fall back on deity to get me through the day. When I am out of work, will the phone magically ring because I want it to? When I can't make the payment for the car, will the money just show up on my doorstep like some cobbler fairy tale? No. It won't and life should not be led with the expectation of the unexpected.

You decide

You are in line at a traffic light facing East. Cars in front and cars behind. Your two children are strapped into their car seats in the back seat. As you wait, a car headed South goes out of control in traffic, flips and is headed straight for your car. You know for a fact that this car is going to come down on top of your car and kill all the occupants. You see it coming and have a 3 second window to make a decision. Immediately bolt out of the car and save your life but not your kids or stay in the car and die with your children. Which do you choose?

Song of

You know that song that goes through your head as you are getting in the shower? Not the one that's playing on the radio as you're brushing your teeth. The one that is in your head as you pull back the shower curtain, turn on the water and step periously over the tub side and into the wall. Falling on your ass. Cracking your head open as the hot water streams down on your chest. Blood goes down the drain, past your hand, across your leg. The song? Worst ever. No intro. No chorus. No post. Just random segments of last three bars of an instrumental merged together with the opening credits to a bad sitcom. So horrible it wakes you up. You turn off the shower. Wipe away the blood, brush your teeth and go to work. As you get off the escalator, a saxophonist in the subway plays your song, but only the last 5 bars and in 3/4 time and not 1/4 time.

They know

Last week I found out the mystery of life really isn't. Everybody else knows the secret. They just are keeping it to themselves and refuse to tell you.

5 minutes of Freedom

Stay away from me. Just stay away. Don't come near me and try and call me. Don't pretend that you know me from past experiences. Don't say hi and expect anything in return. It isn't going to happen.

5 minutes of Freedom

If you could go back, you wouldn't really, would you? You'd stay exactly where you are and keep going forward. I mean, what's the point of going back? When you get there, you wouldn't know what the hell to change and think of all the time you would lose. 42 year old man in 2010 tries to go back to 1984 and high school memories, but ends up looking like a pervert because he's now a 42 year old man in 1984 hanging around a high school parking lot trying to find Tammy Webster and her amazing breasts.

Five minutes of freedom

You are right. I am dark. Dark in thought and dark in speech. There are reasons for this. Depression. Introspection. Lack of social awareness. Cynical and pessimistic attitude. More likely the issue is bi-polar disorder. Mood swings. Not sure I have it, but something is there. Also, alcohol is a problem. Can't stay away from it and really want nothing to do with it. Want help, but you try finding groups that don't have a path that leads to God. It's tough. So internalize away. Prepare yourself of a lifetime of this, but know that there will be good times along the way.

It just sits there below the surface. Doubt. It manifests itself in slow speech pattern. Shyness. Inability to hold small conversations. Troubling.

Baby learns all about herself as she walks away from her lead. Science should be the only thing we look to. Not a higher calling. Scientific proof of actuality. Scientific proof first hand that can be replicated and not exist as one-offs.

Five Minutes of Freedom

You must think that there is only a world of darkness that exists. that only pain seeps through, but that is not the case. I don't plan for either emotion and refuse to fight the ones that do show. I'm happy when things are happy and down when choices bring me there. There is no magic wand that gets waved to make it go away and there isn't anything you can pray for or say or do to change that. It just has to happen. For reasons I will never know and never find out. Until later just by happenstance that the reasons become clarified.

The other day I'm walking to the library as usual and I see a woman with a child in a carriage. She's drinking coffee, talking on her cell phone and pushing the pram up the sidewalk. Idyll times from a afar, but not envious for me. I reflect back to my times with those and even then my work overshadowed my enjoyment of them. But no longer. Going forward, the money is less important, the job is secondary to the life I want to enjoy with my kids. I want to get back to being a parent instead of just a sideline viewer. And that's what they need as well. They need someone to make decisions and that I can and will do.

So take the words that don't come fast and churn them in your

Five minutes of freedom

Today feels like the best day I have felt in months, but something is still uneasy. I got the job, so he said, but no confirmation date on the start date and he said he would get back to me on that date. Agreed on the price, but not the starting date. So, I have to either wait and see or give him a call. Best thing to do is to get out of the house right now and come back later.

Stacy. Stacy should not but she goes out every night to the street against her better judgment. She can't stay away from the stars in the sky. She just has to see what's up there and wonder why the man who loved her left her to go on a trip for three years. Why would he choose to live with four other men when he could be having her beautiful conversation and tending to her needs? Her MS is not getting any better and he has to know that the nurse wouldn't be female as he requested, but male so that she could have a sounding board and then a dance partner for the country and western line dancing association's 5th annual mockumentary presentation. Stacy.