The tears they just don't seem to stop falling. I think about happiness, but it doesn't exist. I think about lifetime and it hasn't happened yet. I think about the past and the tears keep falling. The corn in the fields. The hay mounds. The beans in the field. Picking the weeds. Playing in the barnlot. Waiting to get older and then the tears come again because I wasn't ready for them.

I can't stay with them or remember what they look like to this day, but my eyes still flesh with tears at the thoughts of the memories I left behind.

I'm crying and I can't fucking stop it. The tears just keep on flowing as I think about my daughter. And my beautiful son who keeps on bringing me joy throughout my life.

I'm crying. I'm crying all the time. The tears flow for the father I never will ever know. The father I never had the sense to understand. Fuck him. The sense he never had to understand me.

jade and then.

When I die, I die. When you know I die, you don't even think about crying.

today I shot my soul.
3 bottles of schlitz and a wasabi roll.

Closer. Just saying the words used to raise the heartbeat. Now they only slightly get me out of the chair. I'll believe it when I hear it. End of the week or next. Not tempting fate or karma. Matter of fact. We'll see tomorrow.