Trio

1 -
That's not it. That's not how it goes.

Who said there was a rul..

I did. I fucking did. I make the rules in my life and you follow them or you get the hell out of my way.

Don't you think you need to calm down just a little? Don't you think you are overreacting?
No. Not one bit. Do you know what it feels like to be addicted? Do you? Do you know what it feels like to be addicted and not be able to do anything about it but continue to feed the addiction day after day after a long night? My life is a damn mess. I move from one addiction to a recovery and into another addiction to beat the next one. Booze to come down from cocaine. Sex to come down from heroin. Exercise to come down from theft. Marriage to come down from the hookups and back to affairs to end the monotony of monogamy.

I can't deal with this.
Who said you had to?

I've been with your for over 5 years now and supported you and stood by you, but not any more.

What made you stay so long? Pleasant conversation? My good looks? I haven't loved for a long time and you shouldn't need me to say it to your face to know that. When you walk in the door night after night and I walk right by you into the garage till the next morning and you don't do a goddamn thing? What kind of person are you to take that? Just go. Go back to your job. Go back to raising your kids and leave me alone.

2 -
Ah, yes.
Can I help you?
Yes. I'm here to join the church.
What church are you coming from?
Coming from? None. No. No. You misunderstand me. I heard about your church and how you can have multiple wives and stuff, so I want you to hook me up with a couple.
I'm sorry, but you are in the wrong place. We are not that type of organization and that practice is...
Look. I know that's what you say to the press and to the police, but I've seen the compounds. I've seen the tv shows. I know it goes on and I just want a couple wives. Not together you know. One in New York and one in California. Because I go back a forth a lot. That's how it works right? You can get me a wife in both places and cover it up from the cops so they won't charge me with any crimes.
Sir. You're going to have to leave. You really have the wrong information. Whatever you have heard or read or seen has been a lie.
Tweerp.
Excuse me?
Tweerp. Basket. Five
Sir?
Tweerp. Basket. Five. Thousand.
Ok then. We are in business. If you'll just go around the corner and through that door. Doris will be able to show you around and let you meet some of the congregation. Bless you son and welcome.

3 -
It's about time. Trudging past the cars tonight. Daylight heading past accountability. I move slow and with no purpose. End result brings no joy. Brings no faith. New faces appear on the side of the road looking for the next meal. Every hand out wishes it was someplace else and every eyes averted wish they were too. I feel nothing as I pass. No sorrow. No pity. The worst kind of feeling - ambivalence.

It just is

A family I know is going through some times. Multiple cancers in the family history and now a terminal one in the present. Divorce of a child who by all means cannot take care of himself. But this family comes from a strong religious background steeped in prayer and by all views from afar, a chaste life. A moral life.

You say to no one in particular. 'They are such a religious and pious family. How can this happen to them? Weren't their prayers answered?' The thing is, just because you pray and believe in a religious figure, it doesn't give you immunity from life. Bad situations are going to happen to everyone. Had this family had no religious background, you might be saying 'See it serves them right. If they had been in church praying this whole time instead of out...well you know. It wouldn't have happened' Just exactly how do you know that? If I take two people and line them up against the wall. Fire bullets dead center into both. One on the left is the Pope. One on the right is a homeless man holding a bottle of Jack Daniels, a pack of cigarettes and pulling his grocery cart of life. Both men are going to die. The bullets will not be deflected by the Pope's prayers. Nor will homeless man's obliviousness to the situation.

That is what I struggle with on a daily basis and realize just how lucky I am not to have to need to fall back on deity to get me through the day. When I am out of work, will the phone magically ring because I want it to? When I can't make the payment for the car, will the money just show up on my doorstep like some cobbler fairy tale? No. It won't and life should not be led with the expectation of the unexpected.

You decide

You are in line at a traffic light facing East. Cars in front and cars behind. Your two children are strapped into their car seats in the back seat. As you wait, a car headed South goes out of control in traffic, flips and is headed straight for your car. You know for a fact that this car is going to come down on top of your car and kill all the occupants. You see it coming and have a 3 second window to make a decision. Immediately bolt out of the car and save your life but not your kids or stay in the car and die with your children. Which do you choose?

Song of

You know that song that goes through your head as you are getting in the shower? Not the one that's playing on the radio as you're brushing your teeth. The one that is in your head as you pull back the shower curtain, turn on the water and step periously over the tub side and into the wall. Falling on your ass. Cracking your head open as the hot water streams down on your chest. Blood goes down the drain, past your hand, across your leg. The song? Worst ever. No intro. No chorus. No post. Just random segments of last three bars of an instrumental merged together with the opening credits to a bad sitcom. So horrible it wakes you up. You turn off the shower. Wipe away the blood, brush your teeth and go to work. As you get off the escalator, a saxophonist in the subway plays your song, but only the last 5 bars and in 3/4 time and not 1/4 time.

They know

Last week I found out the mystery of life really isn't. Everybody else knows the secret. They just are keeping it to themselves and refuse to tell you.

5 minutes of Freedom

Stay away from me. Just stay away. Don't come near me and try and call me. Don't pretend that you know me from past experiences. Don't say hi and expect anything in return. It isn't going to happen.

5 minutes of Freedom

If you could go back, you wouldn't really, would you? You'd stay exactly where you are and keep going forward. I mean, what's the point of going back? When you get there, you wouldn't know what the hell to change and think of all the time you would lose. 42 year old man in 2010 tries to go back to 1984 and high school memories, but ends up looking like a pervert because he's now a 42 year old man in 1984 hanging around a high school parking lot trying to find Tammy Webster and her amazing breasts.

Five minutes of freedom

You are right. I am dark. Dark in thought and dark in speech. There are reasons for this. Depression. Introspection. Lack of social awareness. Cynical and pessimistic attitude. More likely the issue is bi-polar disorder. Mood swings. Not sure I have it, but something is there. Also, alcohol is a problem. Can't stay away from it and really want nothing to do with it. Want help, but you try finding groups that don't have a path that leads to God. It's tough. So internalize away. Prepare yourself of a lifetime of this, but know that there will be good times along the way.

It just sits there below the surface. Doubt. It manifests itself in slow speech pattern. Shyness. Inability to hold small conversations. Troubling.

Baby learns all about herself as she walks away from her lead. Science should be the only thing we look to. Not a higher calling. Scientific proof of actuality. Scientific proof first hand that can be replicated and not exist as one-offs.

Five Minutes of Freedom

You must think that there is only a world of darkness that exists. that only pain seeps through, but that is not the case. I don't plan for either emotion and refuse to fight the ones that do show. I'm happy when things are happy and down when choices bring me there. There is no magic wand that gets waved to make it go away and there isn't anything you can pray for or say or do to change that. It just has to happen. For reasons I will never know and never find out. Until later just by happenstance that the reasons become clarified.

The other day I'm walking to the library as usual and I see a woman with a child in a carriage. She's drinking coffee, talking on her cell phone and pushing the pram up the sidewalk. Idyll times from a afar, but not envious for me. I reflect back to my times with those and even then my work overshadowed my enjoyment of them. But no longer. Going forward, the money is less important, the job is secondary to the life I want to enjoy with my kids. I want to get back to being a parent instead of just a sideline viewer. And that's what they need as well. They need someone to make decisions and that I can and will do.

So take the words that don't come fast and churn them in your

Five minutes of freedom

Today feels like the best day I have felt in months, but something is still uneasy. I got the job, so he said, but no confirmation date on the start date and he said he would get back to me on that date. Agreed on the price, but not the starting date. So, I have to either wait and see or give him a call. Best thing to do is to get out of the house right now and come back later.

Stacy. Stacy should not but she goes out every night to the street against her better judgment. She can't stay away from the stars in the sky. She just has to see what's up there and wonder why the man who loved her left her to go on a trip for three years. Why would he choose to live with four other men when he could be having her beautiful conversation and tending to her needs? Her MS is not getting any better and he has to know that the nurse wouldn't be female as he requested, but male so that she could have a sounding board and then a dance partner for the country and western line dancing association's 5th annual mockumentary presentation. Stacy.

Five minutes of freedom

7 June 2010

I stepped outside my jail cell yesterday morning expecting to die. At some point, I hoped, they would come for me when I'm not ready. But they didn't. And today I step outside my jail cell expecting to live. To have hope. To accept my fate of ennui.

The good thing about being imprisoned, and yes there are many, is that I get to work outside during the day, not have to worry about looking for a job and know that it's not likely I'll get fired. They feed me. Give me a place to live.

Kristin, you have to come with me
Why?
Because he's going to be there and I can't meet him alone
Yes you can.
Well, I can, but I don't want to. I need someone there
You didn't need anybody when you were talking to him
That was different.
Different how?
Well, it was impersonal. We were just writing back and forth. He couldn't see me. I couldn't see him. Different that way
Not different to me. Either see him or not, but don't take me to the gun. You go see the gun yourself.

The tears they just don't seem to stop falling. I think about happiness, but it doesn't exist. I think about lifetime and it hasn't happened yet. I think about the past and the tears keep falling. The corn in the fields. The hay mounds. The beans in the field. Picking the weeds. Playing in the barnlot. Waiting to get older and then the tears come again because I wasn't ready for them.

I can't stay with them or remember what they look like to this day, but my eyes still flesh with tears at the thoughts of the memories I left behind.

I'm crying and I can't fucking stop it. The tears just keep on flowing as I think about my daughter. And my beautiful son who keeps on bringing me joy throughout my life.

I'm crying. I'm crying all the time. The tears flow for the father I never will ever know. The father I never had the sense to understand. Fuck him. The sense he never had to understand me.

jade and then.

When I die, I die. When you know I die, you don't even think about crying.

today I shot my soul.
3 bottles of schlitz and a wasabi roll.

Closer. Just saying the words used to raise the heartbeat. Now they only slightly get me out of the chair. I'll believe it when I hear it. End of the week or next. Not tempting fate or karma. Matter of fact. We'll see tomorrow.

And on

Every day I can't stay away. I think I might have it, but then it goes away.

The constant movement of the emotions leaves you exhausted and destroyed. You want to leave and enjoy life, but there is no life left to enjoy. You must suffer in silence to gain the upper hand. At what point would you consider moving on? You have until mid month and then it's over. Your time is up and you must prepare.

Mark Levin died today

Most people harbor a vitriol and passion toward talk-radio hosts. Polarized and self-absorbed thoughts and conversations that exist only in their heads. Not realizing the characters they listen to on the radio are just that - characters. Invented personalities under the guise of being true with the audience in a media driven attempt to connect with the listeners. For whatever reason, the hosts feel that they have some sort of integrity they need to protect by professing that what they actually say on the radio needs to be true. Why? There is no oath administered at the start of the show. No subpoena. They rely on the naiveté of the audience to make that giant leap.

Mark Levin died today.

Every host out there lies to you in some fashion. It's called the radio business. Not a courtroom. So how can a blog be singled out for libel by a radio broadcaster when libelous statements are de rigueur for their acts?

Mark Levin died today is a subject we should approach each and every day. Not because of anything planned. Far from that. I would never condone direct actions toward the death of another human soul. But one can just imagine how much joy the headlines will bring when he does die. The unemployed masses will have smiles from ear to ear for at least one day. And maybe, just maybe it might be the start of something bigger and better in their lives. This one shining moment that they can reach back to and smile at each and every day when the depths of despair have risen to haunt their weary minds.

So, we'll roll this out and see out how it goes.

Today, Mark Levin was killed as he left the office when a safe (full of hush fund documents from the catholic church to an unnamed source) fell on top of him.

Down, Down, Down

There is nothing lower. There is no place left to go. You fight, but what battle is it? And who is leading it? People say there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It will get better. Right now, it's pitch dark in the bottom of a cave. The concept of light doesn't exist.