You are right. I am dark. Dark in thought and dark in speech. There are reasons for this. Depression. Introspection. Lack of social awareness. Cynical and pessimistic attitude. More likely the issue is bi-polar disorder. Mood swings. Not sure I have it, but something is there. Also, alcohol is a problem. Can't stay away from it and really want nothing to do with it. Want help, but you try finding groups that don't have a path that leads to God. It's tough. So internalize away. Prepare yourself of a lifetime of this, but know that there will be good times along the way.
It just sits there below the surface. Doubt. It manifests itself in slow speech pattern. Shyness. Inability to hold small conversations. Troubling.
Baby learns all about herself as she walks away from her lead. Science should be the only thing we look to. Not a higher calling. Scientific proof of actuality. Scientific proof first hand that can be replicated and not exist as one-offs.
18 June 2010
14 June 2010
Five Minutes of Freedom
You must think that there is only a world of darkness that exists. that only pain seeps through, but that is not the case. I don't plan for either emotion and refuse to fight the ones that do show. I'm happy when things are happy and down when choices bring me there. There is no magic wand that gets waved to make it go away and there isn't anything you can pray for or say or do to change that. It just has to happen. For reasons I will never know and never find out. Until later just by happenstance that the reasons become clarified.
The other day I'm walking to the library as usual and I see a woman with a child in a carriage. She's drinking coffee, talking on her cell phone and pushing the pram up the sidewalk. Idyll times from a afar, but not envious for me. I reflect back to my times with those and even then my work overshadowed my enjoyment of them. But no longer. Going forward, the money is less important, the job is secondary to the life I want to enjoy with my kids. I want to get back to being a parent instead of just a sideline viewer. And that's what they need as well. They need someone to make decisions and that I can and will do.
So take the words that don't come fast and churn them in your
The other day I'm walking to the library as usual and I see a woman with a child in a carriage. She's drinking coffee, talking on her cell phone and pushing the pram up the sidewalk. Idyll times from a afar, but not envious for me. I reflect back to my times with those and even then my work overshadowed my enjoyment of them. But no longer. Going forward, the money is less important, the job is secondary to the life I want to enjoy with my kids. I want to get back to being a parent instead of just a sideline viewer. And that's what they need as well. They need someone to make decisions and that I can and will do.
So take the words that don't come fast and churn them in your
10 June 2010
Five minutes of freedom
Today feels like the best day I have felt in months, but something is still uneasy. I got the job, so he said, but no confirmation date on the start date and he said he would get back to me on that date. Agreed on the price, but not the starting date. So, I have to either wait and see or give him a call. Best thing to do is to get out of the house right now and come back later.
Stacy. Stacy should not but she goes out every night to the street against her better judgment. She can't stay away from the stars in the sky. She just has to see what's up there and wonder why the man who loved her left her to go on a trip for three years. Why would he choose to live with four other men when he could be having her beautiful conversation and tending to her needs? Her MS is not getting any better and he has to know that the nurse wouldn't be female as he requested, but male so that she could have a sounding board and then a dance partner for the country and western line dancing association's 5th annual mockumentary presentation. Stacy.
Stacy. Stacy should not but she goes out every night to the street against her better judgment. She can't stay away from the stars in the sky. She just has to see what's up there and wonder why the man who loved her left her to go on a trip for three years. Why would he choose to live with four other men when he could be having her beautiful conversation and tending to her needs? Her MS is not getting any better and he has to know that the nurse wouldn't be female as he requested, but male so that she could have a sounding board and then a dance partner for the country and western line dancing association's 5th annual mockumentary presentation. Stacy.
Five minutes of freedom
7 June 2010
I stepped outside my jail cell yesterday morning expecting to die. At some point, I hoped, they would come for me when I'm not ready. But they didn't. And today I step outside my jail cell expecting to live. To have hope. To accept my fate of ennui.
The good thing about being imprisoned, and yes there are many, is that I get to work outside during the day, not have to worry about looking for a job and know that it's not likely I'll get fired. They feed me. Give me a place to live.
Kristin, you have to come with me
Why?
Because he's going to be there and I can't meet him alone
Yes you can.
Well, I can, but I don't want to. I need someone there
You didn't need anybody when you were talking to him
That was different.
Different how?
Well, it was impersonal. We were just writing back and forth. He couldn't see me. I couldn't see him. Different that way
Not different to me. Either see him or not, but don't take me to the gun. You go see the gun yourself.
I stepped outside my jail cell yesterday morning expecting to die. At some point, I hoped, they would come for me when I'm not ready. But they didn't. And today I step outside my jail cell expecting to live. To have hope. To accept my fate of ennui.
The good thing about being imprisoned, and yes there are many, is that I get to work outside during the day, not have to worry about looking for a job and know that it's not likely I'll get fired. They feed me. Give me a place to live.
Kristin, you have to come with me
Why?
Because he's going to be there and I can't meet him alone
Yes you can.
Well, I can, but I don't want to. I need someone there
You didn't need anybody when you were talking to him
That was different.
Different how?
Well, it was impersonal. We were just writing back and forth. He couldn't see me. I couldn't see him. Different that way
Not different to me. Either see him or not, but don't take me to the gun. You go see the gun yourself.
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