You know you are...

You know you are old if you say any of these things: Time was, back in the day, When I was younger, If I was your dad, When I was on that team, The way we used to do it, At my old company, Do you remember when? How many times do I have to tell you? No. I gotta check with my wife first. Because I said so. Where am I gonna get the money to pay the rent? Happy hour is that time between the end of work and the time you pick your kids up.

You know you aren't old if you say these: Will you just leave me alone and stay out of my business? Get out of my room! All right already, Whatever. Maybe we can sneak out later; No Way! But why? Where am I gonna get the money to buy pot? Happy hour is that time between Thursday afternoon at noon and Monday morning at 8 am.

Late at night she walks around the neighborhood asking for cigarettes. Stopping at each gate, peering in as if there might be somebody there to give her one at 12:02 am. 5-6 times she walks around the same block. Asking the same question to the same people and moving on quickly. Never asks for money. Just a cigarette and a light. On cold night, even though you don't smoke, you go in the house and get some matches. She comes around again and asks if anybody has seen her dog. She is tall, emaciated-skinny, long black hair, and a cough. You put the matches back in your pocket and she moves on down the street. Across the way she checks the back of a condo dumpster and finds the top shelf to a computer desk. As you head back indoors, you can hear the scraping of the furniture on the asphalt.

• Tedy Bruschi returns from stroke to play for the Patriots; Or does he return from suspension the NFL doesn't want to reveal?
  
  February 2005 - Stroke. Cause: Personal. Not released to public. Likelihood: Steroids.
  Annual steroid testing for NFL players: Random. While his number comes up for random testing he's in the hospital. NFL won't test him then because the test would come back skewed from the drugs used to rehabilitate him from the stroke.
  
  October 2005- Just like that he is back on the practice field and wanting to play again. No 7.5 minutes pieces on Sunday morning football shows about his progress, how hard he is training to come back. "It's a stroke and it's a long process coming back from that. It may take years for him to fully recover", you might have heard.
  
  Parallel Bruschi with Ricky Williams coming back just like that after serving a 4-game suspension for violation of the leagues drug policy. Just like that Ricky Williams is back because the suspension is over. Just like that Bruschi is back because the suspension is over?
  
  Why would the NFL subterfuge his suspension?
  He plays for the reigning Super Bowl champs
  He had a stroke and that evokes a sympathy factor
  He plays on the East coast whose media bias is pervasive.
  To allow a steroid suspension for him would seriously damage the NFL's credibility.
  
  Bruschi got off the same way that Barry Bonds got off. Suspended but allowed to use injury as a cover. The same way that Michael Jordan got off. Suspended for gambling, but allowed to use the grief of a dying parent as cover. Yeah, what happened to the stories on grief when he decided to play baseball? Ok to use grief as an excuse over here in basketball for why he's leaving, but over here in baseball it's a healing process. Oh right, he was going to drive his kids to school too. Forgot about that one.

NCAA bans mascots

"Don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining." someone once said. And that is exactly what the NCAA is doing with the Mascot ruling of 2005.

In 2005, the NCAA declared that Native American mascots could no longer be used by teams when they participated in postseason tournaments after February 1, 2006.

But, the ruling doesn't apply to the entire season, only post season tournaments. So, for 9/10ths of your season, feel free to use the mascot any way you choose. We're sensitive to Native American's feelings, but only for a couple months of the year.

But, the ruling doesn't apply to college football because semantically they don't have a postseason tournament. Right. They don't have a single-elimination post-season tournament the way basketball does or double-elimination in baseball. They just have multiple one-game post season tournaments between only two teams at a time called Bowl games. But, those aren't considered post-season tournaments. Even though the outcome of the bowl games results in a final ranking, which is exactly what a postseason tournament does. Hmm. I seem to recall that they have in-season basketball tournaments called Coaches against Cancer tournament or along that line where four teams come into a big arena and each team only plays one game. It's also not for Div 1-A college football because college football at that level is a golden cash cow built on slave labor disguised as "empowering student athletes mind and bodies".

But, schools can appeal the ruling. And here is where the hidden agenda lies. And where you can begin to follow the green-papered road. What all the huff and scruff about the use of Native American imagery is over. It's simple exortion by the NCAA to get even more money from schools and a way to increase their bottom line. How it works is this: The larger the school, the more money adverstisers pay to put these schools on the air, the more national exposure the school has in a particular sport, the more money the NCAA wants from them. You want your appeal denied or approved? Pay up. This is the price. Florida State? They bring in milliions of dollars are national powerhouses in multiple sports. The NCAA wants them to appeal and want that appeal to be approved. So, they charge them $100,000. Easy enough for Florida State and sure enough their appeal was approved.

North Dakota State Fighting Sioux? Well, outside of ice hockey, they are not a national player. We're going to charge you $2 million for an approval of your appeal and we really don't care about you anyway.

Now we get to the University of Illinois. Yes they have history, but nationally, they don't play other than in brief appearances. So, the price for the Fighting Illini: $5 million. They have only recently sent in their appeal, but they may not have reached the money amount the NCAA wanted from them for a successful appeal because the response from the NCAA was non-plussed when asked. "We take them as they come." Doesn't sound too hopeful for Illini nation.

CTA. Stop the lies. Please.

Every time I read in the paper about how buying a Chicago card speeds up service I want to puke. The only thing it speeds up is the city's effort to track each and every rider's personal movements.
The state already has your movement tracked if you use the I-Pass system and can use that evidence against you in court. The system is already in place to use the information from the CTA. Here's an example of just how much time you save by using the Chicago card. I board the L right behind a person with a Chicago card. They take one second to go through. I take 1.2 seconds. Then we both wait 15 minutes for the next Green line to show up. This is what you call speeding up?
Now if you offer me a card that will make the trains all come on time and not be so crowded I can't get on a red line for three trains, that I will pay more for.

Media double talks on its own.

The thing I hate the most about the print and broadcast media is the hyposcrisy.
The incestuous nature of the business, I can somewhat tolerate. They can ball bust anybody they want, but when it's one of their own, they shut up quick.
Example, Dan Bernstein can make fun of Ron Santo all day long, making no leg, one leg jokes, but let a caller try and get on the air as Ed O'Bradovich's dead wife and that's not acceptable? Or take the case of the Sun-Times. Neil Steinberg can rag all day and for many years on Baghdad Bob Greene because he slept with college coeds. And the press had a field day with him. Bob lost his job, his wife died and Neil was right there to pound in some nails. Then Neil goes and beats up his wife and what do the papers say? One article in the competing paper three days after it happens and nothing since. I've been following the little quips the Sun-Times puts in when a columnist isn't writing that day. It is getting comical to see what they will come up with next. First it was "Neil is not writing his column today". Then it was Neil is taking the day off. They can dig and dig and dig into George Ryan or Rod Blagojevich, but it's hands off on Neil Steinberg. Where is Steve Warmbir when the public needs him?

Idea for a tv commercial

Tight facing shot on a woman driving a car. Woman wearing glasses. Camera pan left to a man squirming in his seat. Obviously he has to go to the bathroom. Hip-hop bubble-gum pop plays in the background.

Car pulls into driveway. Guy frantically gets out of car and runs into the house. Heads to the bathroom. Camera is at his back now. Long shot going away of many running into bathroom.

Capture SFX. Follow into the bathroom. Shot of man from behind. Hear the zipper sound.

Cut to shot of the toilet bowl and the words 'KOHLER' as the SFX of piss rains down and the SFX of a man sighing. Voice-over as the light is clicked off.
"Kohler. We're there when you need really us."
Light clicks back on as child walks into the bathroom late at night to get a glass
of water and stands on the toilet seat (Focus camera on lettering 'Kohler' above the childs feet.) "...And even when you just need us just a
little."

There are moments that try men's souls.
But, only soulless men refuse to try.