I have to fight harder and harder and harder each day to get the words out of my mouth as fast as they come to mind or they are lost and I stand there looking like an idiot. Staring at my shoes and not giving direct contact because I can't remember two seconds before what I was trying to say or do. I turn the page in a book and can't remember what was written or what I just read. It is a slow decent into white out so I have to earn as much money, meet as many people, do as many things as possible now because 10 years from now, I won't remember today. I'll remember everything that happened from 1974 backwards and bits and pieces of benign conversations that make people shake their heads with "What the fuck? How do you remember that?" kind of looks. But, finding my keys in the morning. Can't do. Remembering where I put the cup of coffee I just bought. Can't do. Every world series winner from 1968 - 1996 - Yes. What did you just ask me? No. Can't do. It is frightening because it is unclear whether it is a reality that it is happening or just some subconcious masochistic self-fulfilling prophecy? So, I have this to face. Then at some point I'll have the death date. My dad died when he was 44. Not only do I not know if I'll make it past, I don't even know if I'll make it there. And if I do, what then?